6 months// 6 lessons

over the past 6 months, I have realized that– life is quite the educator. Instead of creating resolutions that will come to an end around March, I decided to reflect on the past year– especially the last 6 months. A lot happened. A lot of lessons came to my attention. & A lot began to change.

life is challenging//

i know, I started with an obvious one. But it’s 1000% true. How would growth occur if we are not learning, experiencing, and living with the challenges life throws at us? In order to gain perspective, events happen, opinions alter. That is kinda how it goes. Even though this last half of the year was difficult, I wouldn’t change it– because all of those events have shaped who I am today (as cheesy as that sounds)

you are stronger than you think//

this one took me a while to even recognize. Yes, horrible, terrible, unfortunate events can happen– but you can get through it. I promise you. Just 6 months ago, one event turned my whole world upside down. Because of this, I didn’t know how I was going to get through. I was broken and lost. But with time and support, healing began. You can take on a lot more than you ever thought.

take time for yourself//

this is probably one of the most important lessons I learned. In order to have a healthy mind, you need to do what’s best for yourself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the hectic events of life, which makes it vital to schedule time for YOURSELF. During this quarter, I have woke up early some mornings to take a walk around Seattle and treat myself to coffee. I began to look forward to the time alone to clear my head– whether that means journaling, yoga, or taking myself on a date

be intentional with family and friends//

this is one of my favorites and have really put into practice. Over the past 6 months, a lot of things have changed around me. But through all of those changes, I have had consistent friends and family members stick by me. That is what they are here for! It made me realize how appreciative I am to have them in my life. Because of this, each week I have scheduled time to see different friends during breaks and after work. Yes, it causes me to be a little more busy– but they are worth it!

time = healing//

after big events happen in your life, the only cure is time. I know that is the worst to hear during the time of the problem, but that is the most accurate words of wisdom. I couldn’t see any positives when I was dwelling in all of my negativity. Time allows one process, cope, learn, and gain new understanding

let life surprise you//

**REMINDER** life isn’t all bad! There are so many things that happen that create happiness!.One of the things in order to really embrace this was have a 5 Things Journal. Every night, I write 5 things that make smile. Life can surprise you with a new friend, a passing grade when you thought you failed, free coffee that day you couldn’t keep your eyes open, a call from someone you hadn’t heard from for a while, a genuine conversation, the exact words that you needed to hear, etc

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idea of self help book included

i could not figure out what I wanted my intro to be.. so (insert clever caption/ quote/ hook here) I want to apologize to all my English teachers in the past for not supplying a captivating hook to draw you in. this post is about life, love, happiness, heart break, and even an idea for a self help book. All the good things.

it’s been a little over a month since i have been at school. So far it has actually been the best quarter for me yet. I love my classes, have been intentional with spending time with friends, plus met new people, enjoy my job, and have taken time for myself.I can say I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

however. The only thing that I know is holding me back is the fact that i miss my ex. Since I have been at school, we have cut off all communication. I thought that was what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I know that was the step we needed to take. But I miss my best friend. This is the longest we have been without talking. He and I became best friends my sophomore year in high school. If the math is done right, that is about a 5 yea friendship.oh the nostalgia.

i really do miss him– yes this year has been a whirlwind of emotions involving that boy (mostly on the negative side of the spectrum) But my question is how do I just get over all these feelings? This is where a self help book– how to not miss your ex, even though time away is much needed and will provide healing. Yes it will take time, but here are some tips-– would come in handy. Like 100% realize we do not belong together. So it is not I am pining over him, but simply just miss him. So many times, I have caught myself wanting to send a funny picture, quote, or story that just reminded me of him. But have to stop myself.. I am not sure what exactly to do. My friends are trying to give advice, but they don’t really understand. yes– it takes time.

it feels like apart of my heart is missing because he is not in my life. How does that gap get filled? I want to move on. But before I am able to even think about that– I need to know I am over this.Do we ever truly move on from past loves? or do we just leave a part of our heart with each one, as sad at that sounds.

as I said earlier though– i have been in a much happier state of mind since I have been back here. Loving myself is a lot to do with that. It’s taken a while to get to this place, but I love it. There is so much good happening.

moral of the story– it takes time. I know, I know. But I would rather just have 10 steps on how to not miss an ex or a self help book focused on this specific subject.

entering 15th grade

just a few days ago, I started my junior year of college, otherwise known as 15th grade. The last couple days have been incredibly crazy, busy, stressful, exciting, along with several other adjectives– which I think sums up college perfectly.

i was very uneasy about coming back to school. Leaving in the spring was the best thing. Ever. I wanted to be as far as I could from campus. But I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to come back this fall. Not healed enough. Not mended enough. Not happy enough. But really, would I ever be completely healed? Completely back to normal?

but being here for just 4 days or so have been SO GOOD. I don’t think I could have asked for them to be better. I was incredibly anxious at first. But reuniting with my friends, being back in the city I love, and getting a job the very first day of school– I would say those are pretty great things.

it’s not like things are the exact same as I left them in the spring. In fact, I have dealt with a large amount of changes in my life. new housing, new roommates, new classes, new job, new activities, and quite frankly a new me. I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. Thank goodness.

instead,

i am different. I have grown and changed for the better. I have finally let go of things I should have a long time ago. I am just embracing the new– which was something I used to hate. Things do get better. Something I kept telling myself, but not really believing it. But 100% things do get better. Maybe you have to lose something in order to find the “better.” Maybe you have to just take a long hard look at yourself and figure out the changes that need to be made. Yes. It is much easier said than done. But after being in the dark, I have finally began having hope. Not pretending I have hope– but truly feeling it. I know that things are gonna get better and better. (side note, I apologize for using the word “better” so much. It’s the perfect word– not sure what to fill it in with) Just know, if you are going through a hard time, have hope. Trust me. Without it– there is not much you can do. Have some faith and love yourself. 2 remedies, that with time– you can heal.

only a 100 years

got all nostalgic and deep in my thoughts when Five For Fighting’s “100 Years” played on my Spotify. How does one song hold so many moments from the past yet also create so many thoughts for future?

i have spent more time than I want to admit listening, singing, smiling, crying over this song. Yes. A typical range of emotions that a teenage girl can encapsulate in just a minute or two. This song was playing in the background during my first kiss. That kiss was the night of the homecoming dance my freshmen year of high school. When I got home that night, I wanted to replay that moment in my head–thinking that was going to be the best night of my life.

this song was also in the background while I was crying over my first break up– less than a year after that magical kiss. My 15 year old self was thinking life couldn’t be as bright and shiny without my first boyfriend. Didn’t take me too long to realize:
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this

fast forward 6 years, I’m  not that doe eyed teenager anymore. Instead. My perspective has changed. My priorities are different. But my 15 year old self thought she knew exactly what she wanted.

funny thing is, 6 years later– I don’t know what I want. I have switched my major once already. But still not 100% on what I wanted to do with it when I graduate. The question, where do you see yourself in 5 years? Yeah I hate it. Life changes course so much that I have learned to go with it. Instead of forcing my goals, I let change happen because it may be better than I planned.

I’m 22 for a moment
And she feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars

it is crazy that I am now closer to 22– who knows what will happen in the next year. I am okay knowing– I still do not know what I want. So much good could be around the corner. This summer I have learned to appreciate the life I have been given. Learned new ways to love others along with love myself. Learned that change happens. Learned that time is short. Unexpected things happen all the time. Unfortunately not all good things.

i have found myself asking– what do I want to accomplish in the 100 years (give or take) that I have? What do I want to see in the world? What do I want to leave behind? Time goes by so fast. All we can do is 1. enjoy the little moments and 2. set and accomplish your goals. Don’t just chase the past but strive for a better future–“when you only got a 100 years to live.”

 

that thursday

my reality shifted after that thursday. It was like I was seeing the world in a whole different perspective. One person’s decision opened my eyes to the evil of the world. Immediately forgetting what I once knew. It has been a few months– but it is going to take much longer to completely heal

I have wanted to post something about what occurred that thursday, but I was nervous it might be too personal. Too depressing. Too angry. But again, it happened 3 months ago, my heart has began to not feel so broken.

on that thursday, there was a shooting on my college campus. The day started like any other but as soon as we entered lock down– an incredible amount of people were affected in ways never expected. Whether it was because they were in the building. Being stuck in the lobby of the building. Knowing someone that got shot. Knowing the gunman. Being students or faculty or alumni of the university.  Living in the city where it had taken place. Along with family members and friends of ones affected. Basically this one event created a large support system and community of people that were brought together–loving and praying on one another. It was beautiful.

i was in the building it took place and it was my friend that got shot. Needless to say, I was a mess. I had a gut feeling it was her that was shot when I walked out of the building that day. Praying it was not her. Praying that everyone was okay. Praying that I would wake up from this nightmare. My prayers were not exactly answered that day. Yes. My friend made a recovery after getting shot and having hours of surgery. I see that as the blessing in the storm. But everyone was not okay (some physically and most others emotionally) and I still feel like I haven’t fully woke up from the nightmare that occurred.

the shooting happened a week before we left for summer vacation. A week before finals. I do not remember specific days from that week. I remember significant events that took place but have a hard time keeping everything straight.  Honestly, I was just in a blur. Never would I have thought I would spend my last night as a sophomore in college at a memorial service for the victims of a shooting. I would not have thought that my last week of school would be spent at prayer services, a hospital visit, and having constant tears that would unable to stop.

a lot of expectations of mine shifted after it happened. It has taken me a while to accept that life happens. It changes our direction. Sometimes into something better than imagined. Other times, into something so devastating it’s hard to even fathom.

i came into the summer a complete wreck. Emotional. Scared. Depressed. Fearful. Paranoid. Words that a week before everything– would not have described me. However. This summer– I have done a lot of  learning. My perspective on life is very different. Aware that bad things do happen. Yet. What really matters is how we deal with it. It has taken me a very long time to be able to put a positive light on this whole situation. I mean, this has caused an emotional wound that will take time to be fixed, mended, reconciled. But with every devastation, there are blessings that are hidden in there somewhere. Find them! With counseling, love and support from friends and family– I have been able to get back to myself. It just takes time.  Fact: it does get better.  

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students wrote in chalk and brought flowers in front of the building the shooting occurred in– as a memorial

goal: live in a romantic comedy

there are thousands of romantic comedies out there that display love at its finest. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl like each other. Boy and girl start to date. Uh oh, a problem between boy and girl arises. Boy and girl forgive each other. Boy and girl live happily ever after. The End. I wish that was how life worked. So easy. So romantic. So perfect. So unrealistic..

why can’t real life be like a Meg Ryan movie?

My boyfriend of 3 and a half years and I broke up a few months ago. At first it seemed like the answer to all of our problems. Simple. Yet as time went on, I realized I still had feelings for him. I wanted to date again- yet he was moving on. Trying to get over me and start fresh.

why. After I finally stopped asking him, why do you not want to be with me… I started asking myself, why are you trying so hard? Why are you pouring out so much love on someone that does not share the same feeling?

it look me a while to finally– Let it go. I have a hard time letting things go. I’m kinda like I am a hoarder of memories, relationships and all things in between. I want to remember the good instead of focus on the bad. Basically I focused on all the happy moments instead of the reasons why we broke up.

After talking with him over and over about our relationship or lack there of.. It kept resulting in my face full of tears (always attractive) – we decided not to see each other at all. Allowing much needed time and space. After just a couple weeks of not talking, I have started to feel at ease about the situation. I haven’t been feeling so sad. Or questioning things. Instead. I finally started thinking about myself. Finding myself. I realized I kept letting little pieces of myself go in order to keep the relationship strong. I lost myself. And I was wanting to cling on to my ex boyfriend because I didn’t know who I was without him. I put my identity in him– not even realizing it.

I have been taking time for me. Loving me. Finding inspiration. Getting motivated. Though it has been difficult, I have already noticed changes happening. How can I let someone love me when I haven’t been loving myself. I know it is going to be a process. This summer has literally been the longest couple months of my life. A lot has happened. But I know I will be able to look back at this summer as a time of growth, hope, and renewal. Maybe even try to embrace my inner Meg?

great expectations?

thanks Charles Dickens for letting me believe that expectations are great.. But to be completely honest, I may not have read the book.. Based purely on the title though, I struggle to agree with Dickens on this one. 

Personally I think that expectations are the worst. I mean they can cause devastation because reality steps in. Too many times I have assumed an event would go a certain way but NOPE, it goes in a completely different direction. Even expectations of people can let you down as well. You want to see the good in someone and just hope for the best, but NOPE they do not meet your expectation. 

I suppose that is life though. 

If it went exactly as planned, what would be the fun in that? So predictable. So not the way life is supposed to be. 

I tend to demand that life works out in the way I want, maybe even forcing it to happen. (not ideal) I expected to mail a package to my best friend before her birthday arrives. In reality though–  because of shipping delays–it didn’t arrive until 9 days after her big day. Oops.

However.. I am trying to see a positive perspective on this. Maybe I am aiming too high on the expectation scale? Even if that is the case, again– that is life though. I can make up excuses, reasons, and ideas that could potentially make sense. but FACT: expectations are not met from time to time. But never give up on hope

Always hope something good is going to happen. Yet. If it does not turn out as intended- believe something better is awaiting. Possibilities are endless.